Me And The Rabid Raccoon

We live in the mountains so, we often have to deal with wild animals hanging around our property but recently, I was confronted by a creature that basically 'called me out!'.

For the past few weeks, our little cocker spaniel 'Molly' has been terrified to venture off the deck. It has been a chore simply to make her go outside to relieve herself. She's been making herself miserable holding it as long as possible before she finally conceded to venture into the yard to...well GO.

We knew that a mountain lion had mauled a horse in the valley not three hundred yards from our place a month ago and that several bears had been spotted roaming around but....we had seen no sign of those critters anywhere near our house but....Molly was being spooked by SOMETHING.

We HAD noticed that our heavy duty outdoor trash cans had been disturbed a bit but pretty much unsuccessfully. We could see deep scratches on the lids and sides and once, a can had been toppled over. No small feat really as they are pretty heavy cans.

Well, a couple of nights ago, the little mystery was solved.

Michelle had gone to bed around ten o'clock and I was reading in the living room when Molly came over to my chair and proceeded to stare a hole in me.

Damn I wish we could teach her how to tell us what the hell she wants but....it ain't gonna happen.

So.....after finishing a paragraph, I asked her if she wanted to go outside and she damn near freaked!

She began growling, spinning in circles, whining....I mean...she was really acting weird.

I laughed, headed to the kitchen door as she led the way.

As soon as I touched the door knob, Molly froze and began growling.

Let me explain....Molly is a little wimp. She pees herself when strangers walk on the deck. She's completely house broken until a stranger shows up.

So, you can understand how unnerved I was that Molly The Wonder Wuss was acting like a demon dog from Hell.

Well, something told me to go to my bedroom closet and grab my .22 caliber nine shot revolver. The weather was mild, the moon was bright so I figured that pretty much ANYTHING might be wandering around the house that night. I put on a pair of flip flops....bad move....and went back to the kitchen/deck door. Molly had her nose pressed against the door as I slowly pulled it open. She damn near ran through the screen before I could stop her with a shout. She backed off and I was just about to slide the screen back when I decided to turn on the deck lights. Molly growled and whined....I know....a weird combination but....it's Molly The Wonder Wuss.

Just as I flipped the light switch, Molly went absolutely postal!! She began barking and jumping at the screen door frantically!

I leaned closer to the door and was met by the grin of the biggest frigging raccoon I have EVER seen!

This damned thing was HUGE!

It was bigger than Molly for sure.....she weighs about twenty five or thirty pounds I suppose and the raccoon dwarfed her. The raccoon was the size of a medium sized Labrador AND....it was PISSED!

The damned thing threw itself against the screen door with a low, throaty snarl and I would have sworn that it would rip through the screen. Instead, it bounced back a few feet as Molly went even crazier and regrouped for a second attack.

And attack it did!!

It came screaming toward the door and propelled it's weight into the door AGAIN!!

He bounced back and summoned his strength for ANOTHER attack.

Even though I was inside the house, the noise of Molly going nuts, the sight of this raccoon going all Animal Kingdom on me and the fact that Michelle come flying into roughtthe room was just TOO overwhelming so..........I shot the damned thing....through the closed screen door!

TWICE!!

Folks....I'm here to tell you that I hit that thing dead center....twice with hollow point long rifle pistol shots and all it did was sit back on its haunches and STARE AT ME!

Michelle looked at me and with her normal understated humor said.

“You missed him Matt Dillon.”

I shook my head and laughed.

“Hell no I didn't...I nailed him......I'll be right back. Shut the door.”

I went to my nightstand and grabbed my .357 Magnum.

As I came back into the kitchen, Molly was cowering in the corner and Michelle was looking outside.

“Ron....that thing is HUGE!” she gasped. “What's it doing now?”

I joined her at the door and saw the raccoon standing on its hind legs, pawing at the air and howling!

That's when Michelle noticed the frothy foam on the screen door.

“Honey....that poor thing has rabies!” she said.

Well damn!

“Look, I'm gonna go around the house, come up on the back deck and drill his ass. Keep his attention on this door....flash the light, knock on the glass but keep his attention okay?” I asked.

“Be careful!” she ordered.

I went out the front door and slowly (hell, that's the only speed I have these days!) and slowly made my was around the house until I was within forty feet of the back door area. I thought I was doing pretty good until my right foot sandal caught on a board and I stumbled (I stumble a lot these days). Well....when I stumbled, the giant raccoon turned, looked in my direction and began to creep my way. It moved very slowly like a cat stalking a mouse. I watched it come closer and to be honest....I was VERY nervous!

I had just begun to formulate a strategy when the damned critter started moving pretty fast....straight at me!

I barely had time to swing the large pistol into position.

My first shot from about twenty feet lit up the dark night and sounded like a cannon going off in the calm night. I later found out that the first shot actually blew off the left rear wheel of our BBQ grill!

I fired again.

This shot either grazed the raccoon or startled it because it whirled around in a couple of circles then it did the damnedest thing.

It sat on its haunched for a second, shook its head a couple of times, began making a howling noise and began to slowly walk toward me.

Dear LORD!!

This friggin' thing was possessed!

Robo-Raccoon!!

Well...the third shot was dead solid perfect.

I had never before actually shot a living thing with a .357 magnum before.

It practically RAINED raccoon on my deck.

Without getting TOO graphic....let's just say that it cost me $100.00 to get that raccoon and what was left of it off my back deck!

I didn't want to deal with it, didn't want Michelle messing with it (she would have) nor did I want Molly getting into it so, I hired our valley neighbor Jason to take care of it. Jason will do almost anything if the money is right!

Anyway...such is life in the mountains these days.

See ya'll again soon.

Ron

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The Day I Was Mistaken For A Serial Killer!

Now.....don't laugh.

This could actually happen to you.

I'm swear that I'm not making this shit up. I actually WAS mistaken for a notorious serial killer.

I was reminded of this incident the other day when I saw a report about serial killer and the death penalty.

Okay....so...here's the deal. This should be a really quick tale because it happened so damned quickly that it just COULDN'T be a long story.

Right?

Oh well....it IS me telling the story so....here goes. I'll try and keep it brief.

Back in May of 1985, a maniac who believed he was Jesus Christ abducted and murdered a young girl in Lexington, SC. Her name was Shari Smith and she lived on Platt Springs Road. So did I.

Larry Gene Bell was the maniac who killed her.

Bell was in his thirties, had medium brown, longish hair, a beard, had attended Eau Claire High School, was somewhat large if not actually overweight and about six feet tall. Oh yeah...he was known to drive a large, burgundy colored Oldsmobile sedan.

Well.....ditto on ALL OF THE ABOVE for ME!!

Granted....I was only driving the Oldsmobile land yacht because my car had died and I was driving my father in law's car but...aside from that small detail....

And of course....that whole SERIAL KILLER thing......

I may have well have BEEN.....Larry Gene Bell.

Okay....so as if THAT wasn't weird enough....Shari Smith's brother was actually working for me in a building supply store where I had conned myself into a job/partnership.

Hell, I didn't know a hammer from a chisel but, somehow I had managed to get the job but....that's another story.

Anyhow.....Shari's brother Robert was a good young kid.

However...I digress.

Shari Smith had been abducted from her own driveway by Larry Gene Bell on the 31st of May. She was an extremely popular young lady and reports of her disappearance spread like wildfire in our small community.

Several days into her disappearance, I was at work and speaking with a customer, Mike Black about the case. At the time, Mike was a Lieutenant with the state bureau of investigation. We had grown friendly while we dealt with the construction of his new home. I sold him almost everything he needed to build the house and we drank a lot of beer together on the job site.

To this day, I remember something that Mike said to me.

“Damn Ron....you know....I hate to say this man but....you look one HELL of a lot like those pictures of Larry Gene Bell!”

I remember laughing at that comment.

I had agreed to go out to his job site to measure some stuff that afternoon (and have a few drinks!) and since his site was near my house, I figured I would simply drive my father in law's car home after the appointment.

Well HELL!!

So much for planning.

I agreed to let Mike lead the way and we left the parking lot. I remember listening to a local sports talk radio station as I followed Mike to his house. I was simply going through the motions of driving when we came to an intersection.

Mike took off through the intersection and I looked both ways before following.

Just as I got through the intersection, the whole world seemed to go crazy.

Man!!

Cars came out of nowhere, lights were flashing, sirens broke through the sound of my radio and the air conditioner and I was pretty much freaked out!

I slammed on the brakes and came to an immediate stop.

As I looked around with my head on a swivel, all I could see was armed, uniformed officers with rifles and pistols approaching my car.

Instinctively, I shut the engine down....FAST!

As I sat there, I heard the roar of men screaming at the top of their lungs but alas....I couldn't tell what the hell they were screaming!

I tried to roll down the windows but, being power windows, I had to turn the ignition back on. In my haste and confusion, I went a bit too far and actually re-started the engine.

Well DAMN!

You would have thought I'd have hit the nuclear button!

As I rolled down the windows, sounds of absolute mayhem came crashing around me as it seemed that the entire world was screaming at ME!

I can still recall the words which randomly washed over me.

“HANDS.....HANDS.....LET ME SEE YOUR FUCKIN' HANDS!”

I remember wondering what the hell was so damned special about my hands....I mean REALLY...I've got nice hands but what's THIS about?

“GET OUT OF THE FUCKING CAR ASSHOLE!”

Now that was just RUDE.

A megaphone or loud speaker sparked into life.

“LARRY GENE BELL......exit the vehicle with your hands up NOW!!!”

It hit me like a ton of bricks!

These folks thought that I was a friggin' murderer!

Slowly, I opened the door and eased out with my hands WAY over my head. I moved so slowly that I can't believe they even saw me move at all. I was like a snail on Valium.

I remember that even as I followed their orders to move slowly, they kept screaming at me to “HURRY UP”.

How the hell do you do both at the same time?

Well, anyway.....once I had exited the vehicle, I big black dude in body armor ran over and gently shoved me face down across the hood.

Just kidding.....this guy spun me around and pushed me so hard that my face went flat against the hood.

Luckily for me, my nose broke my fall so....my face only took part of the punishment.

I was gushing blood like a stuck pig when just short of one million cops descended upon me.

The next few minutes were frankly terrifying.

Thankfully, a few minutes/seconds into the ordeal, I heard Mike Black hollering at the top of his lungs.

He had seen the whole episode transpire in his rear view mirror and hustled back to the scene with his pistol drawn.

“He's NOT BELL!” he hollered over and over till they finally eased up on me.

Well....there was much bowing, scraping and apologizing for the next half hour as you can imagine. Hell, the even called out an ambulance to check out my bruised and battered nose but....I was pretty pissed off. Mike Black did his best to calm me down but I was still smoking as I got back in my car and drove home.

I must admit that I was still pissed off for several days until I heard the circumstances of Shari Smith's death. After that, I got over it quickly.

Turns out Bell had given her the choice of being shot in the head or smothered with duct tape. She choose the duct tape. What a horrible way to die.

The poor young girl even left a letter for her parents in which she FORGAVE Larry Gene Bell.

Yep.....who was I to stay pissed off about a sore nose after what she had gone through?

Well....that's all for this tale of Ron's woe back in the day.

See ya'll again soon.

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New Laptop and Wireless!

Just bought a pretty cool yet inexpensive laptop and got my wireless set up so.....I should be able to begin ranting again.

I hate to have get used to new stuff but....this ain't too bad. Actually, the keyboard is better that on my PC downstairs. I'm currently sitting in my recliner upstairs, watching Monday Night Football and familiarizing myself with this new laptop. Too cool.

I'll be seeing ya'll soon.

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